This is another new poem.

moments of joy even in the dark
or smiling during the pain
a feather’s lighter than a brick
and yet, it balances
a single flash of happiness counters the pain
giving me strength to endure
because
after all
there’s still beauty
there’s still love
there’s more than bone-deep agony
there’s sunshine even in deepest winter

one bright flash of joy
like a half-glimpsed bird’s wing
reminds me there’s more than the insularity of pain
outside of me is the world i’m still a part of

pain steals breath like beauty does
same reaction opposed causes
tangled twisted round each other
so close i can’t separate them

sometimes life rises like a hydra from a lake
sudden and shocking and shattering
piercing the fog of my pain
and sometimes it recedes
obscured by agony
but
nevertheless
still
always
there

© bardofupton 2018

This is another new one.

wet leaves on paving slabs
dissolving slowly to mush
autumn chill on my ungloved fingers
unprepared for rain

dry golden brown leaves
crunching slowly underfoot
the sun’s low angle
the lengthening nights

autumn enfolds me
flips warm to cold in moments
today sun
yesterday rain and fog
tomorrow uncertain
heading towards winter’s aching bones
and far from the heat of summer

© bardofupton 2018

This is another new poem.

The perfect word drops from the pen
From subconscious to paper in one swift movement
It illuminates and elicits emotion all at once
Dazzling the reader with its rightness

And yet, is it perfect?
Perhaps there’s a better choice
Giving a more perfect illustration

Perhaps I should start over
Revise and re-edit
Reword and replace
Search for the perfect the truly perfect word
The right words in the right order
To convey meaning so exactly it’s like telepathy

It exists, doesn’t it?
Somewhere, perfection
Waiting to be captured
Waiting to be discovered
Waiting for me

© bardofupton 2018

This is a new poem. It was somehow inspired by going to see The Dresden Dolls on Halloween. Not quite sure what precisely inspired it; maybe something to do with all the people in masks and costumes.

I paint one hundred portraits of myself
and cut them all to pieces
because those faces are all lies
where’s the darkness?
where’s the anger?
where’s the complexity of me?

I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve
or my sins on my face
every mirror I pass I smash
because those reflections ain’t true
where’s the hatred?
where’s the violence?
where’s the hurting parts of me?

the face in my photographs
is just skin over bone
those blank eyes convey nothing to me
where’s the passion?
where’s the sorrow?
where’s my legacy of trauma?

no image tells my true story
two dimensions is too flat
bursting through those boundaries
i’m real or i’m not there at all
here’s my weariness
here’s my wonder
here’s the whole complicated me

© bardofupton 2018

I just finished this one.

metoo
and again
and again
so what now?
victim or survivor,
and what’s the difference anyway?

I’m bruised broken battered
but still here
my past always present
trailing behind me
sometimes casting shadows
and sometimes forgettable
but never gone

speaking out is hard
but so is silence
to pretend that nothing happened is impossible
but sometimes necessary
some days I have strength to speak
other days only strength to hold myself (barely) together

am I brave or am I damaged?
or perhaps both, or neither
or something else entirely
it’s the cracks that define me
it’s the broken parts that heal stronger
the path I took was painful
but the destination is worthwhile

everything that happened made me who I am
good bad and indifferent
I never wished for pain
or helplessness
or fearful trembling at night
unwanted gifts from those who should have cared

metoo
and yet
and yet
that does not define me
I am not what was done to me
I am myself
still, and again

a broken cup that still holds water
still capable of joy
damaged not destroyed
I endure
I survive

for so many years
I thought myself weak
but only strength could bring me through
I am here because I am strong enough
brave enough
just enough
to keep myself going

and in the end
I triumph
because after it all
(pain and betrayal and fear
lying there trembling and silenced)
after it all
I am still here
not the same
but still alive

blossoming into my future
climbing away from my past
my roots are in darkness
but I’ve grown away from that
I’ve grown
and I’m still growing
still living loving surviving

so
metoo
yes
but more than that
more than that
I’m more than that
now, and then, and always

© bardofupton 2018