This is a new poem.
a single leaf
in the middle of the corridor
lonely
and far from home
discarded duvet
in the street
wet
and muddy
a flattened can
in the middle of the road
crushed
beyond repair
items misplaced
and discarded
scattered scraps
isolate
seem to signify
more than they are
© bardofupton 2018
What have I read this week?
This is a SF novel set in the same universe as The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet and A Closed and Common Orbit. It has several viewpoint characters, all of whom I found interesting. I liked this a lot, but then I liked the previous two books also. I will admit that this one made me cry a little. I’d definitely read more in this universe, or more by this author.
This is the most recent novel in the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series. I’m not sure why I still read these – I find them to be the Cheetos of books: you know you shouldn’t, but somehow you find yourself picking it up and consuming the whole thing, then you feel vaguely guilty about it afterwards. I originally started reading these for the vampire/monster hunting, but now it’s 95% sex and relationship issues, and I’m less than sympathetic to someone whose main problem seems to be how to juggle the 87 different incredibly hot people they’re having sex with. Also, the writing in these books is pretty repetitive – in the way of repeating the exact same thing a chapter or two later; it’s almost like these were written as serials. Also, it turns out I hate the phrase “body English” and she uses that a lot. I will probably end up reading the next one, though.
This is a non-fiction book about parents raising children who are very different from them: e.g. straight parents raising gay children, hearing parents raising deaf children, and so on. I really wanted to like this book, because the topic interests me, but I just couldn’t get into it and I didn’t even get past the second chapter, despite having had it out of the library for months.
This is a novel about doctors. I struggled with the introduction by John Updike and gave up partway through the first chapter. I just did not like this.
This is an account of the author’s time as a junior doctor in the UK. I really enjoyed it, partly because I’ve worked in healthcare myself. I guess if you’re easily squicked, it won’t be funny, but I’m not. It was a good read, and I’d definitely read other books by this author.
Meril sighed, putting her chalk down and staring glumly at the glyphs she had attempted to draw.
“I swear I actually get worse the more I practice,” she muttered.
She grabbed a cloth and quickly erased her writing. Even though it was just chalk, and not ink, the habit of destroying any work that was unintended for permanence was ingrained. Also, she didn’t want anyone to see what a bad job she’d done. She knew what the glyphs should look like, but somewhere between her brain and her fingers that knowledge seemed to get lost.
“Precisely why I should do something else with my life,” she said aloud.
“Like befriend that wizard?” Paro inquired quietly from the doorway.
“No, I was thinking of a job,” Meril explained.
“Didn’t you read that book I gave you?”
“Yes, but I’m a terrible inkwarrior. My glyphs are misshapen, so they don’t work. What’s the point of keeping me?”
“You know our secrets, though.”
“I wouldn’t betray you!”
“What if this wizard you’re pining after asked you to?”
“I… I wouldn’t.”
“Easy to say, Meril. But not so easy for us to believe. And we can’t have wizards knowing our secrets.” Paro sighed. “And it’s not just up to us. Even if the guild would let you go, the priests would not.” He patted Meril’s shoulder. “You’re not the first to want something different, Meril, but that’s not the world we live in. You need to make the best of it.”
Meril sighed again. “I know,” she said sadly. “I know.”
“Keep studying,” Paro told her as he left the room.
Meril nodded, but stared out the window instead. Maybe her wizard would walk by. It was around the time they normally did.
She’d first noticed them a year ago, rushing past in the bright pink robes of a wizard’s apprentice. The robes were meant to make them stand out, and they did. It was the pink that had attracted Meril’s attention that first day, as she was staring aimlessly out of the window. And then they had dropped an item, some kind of glass container, and it had broken. She’d seen the look of horror on their face, and felt a pang of sympathy. She too had destroyed important objects, and paid the price in increased chores and angry scolding.
The wizard had looked around furtively, not seeing Meril at the high, narrow window, and had muttered a quick spell. The shards of glass crawled back together, and Meril felt a strange thrill at seeing something forbidden. She knew that if she’d had that power, she’d have used it for the same purpose. She also knew that she should report the use of magic, so that the inkwarriors’ guild could check for cracks in the real, but she had no intention of doing so. It would be a secret between her and the wizard.
After that, she’d looked out for them every day, and gradually come to feel that she knew them. Loving them was a simple step from there. She had still not actually met them or learned their name, but she was determined to make that happen. Somehow.
This is another new poem.
the lowered voice
trails off
silencing itself
shrinking away
into myself
hiding
making myself small
and swallowing my voice
my anger fear despair grief
trying not to offend
not to take up space
not to be myself
because i feel myself undeserving
unlovable
and deeply wrong
unworthy of love
or friendship
capable only of loneliness
and afraid
of love
What have I read this week?
This is a nonfiction book – I guess I would describe it as being about gender and neoliberal capitalism and how the two are intertwined. I’m not quite sure how I felt about it, apart from excluded. It talks a lot about women and the roles women are expected to play/the limits placed on them, and a bit about the same for men, but as a person who’s neither, I just kept feeling “this isn’t for me” – despite the fact that these issues also affect me. I liked the introduction best; after that it got too cisnormative for me – I don’t disagree with her, I just felt that the book didn’t have anything to offer for me as a non-binary person.
Favourite quotes:
Public ‘career feminists’ have been more concerned with getting more women into ‘boardrooms’, when the problem is that there are altogether too many boardrooms, and none of them are on fire.
There was an understanding that gender liberation, like wealth, would somehow ‘trickle down’. The flaw in this plan, of course, was that it was arrant bollocks. Feminism, like wealth, does not trickle down
This is a novel about some strange events occurring in a small town in Iowa. Videos are turning up at the local video store with extra scenes spliced in, and the video store owner and staff become involved in trying to find out who is doing this and why. I didn’t really like this; it just didn’t work for me.
This is a fantasy novel about Prince Bifalt, eldest son of the King of Belleger, a country which has been at war with its neighbour Amika for a long time. Both sides have magic, but Belleger’s disappears overnight, and Bifalt is tasked with tracking down an ancient book which may allow them to restore it or to remove Amika’s magic also. I quite liked this. It was a little annoying in parts, when things were not being explained very clearly, and Bifalt was a bit irritating at times, but overall I enjoyed it. I might well read more of the series.
This is a YA about twin sisters in a post-apocalyptic Texas where families are only permitted to have one child. The authors are twin sisters. I thought this was okay, not great. The idea was interesting, but I didn’t feel like it was as fully developed as it could have been.
Meril stared at the book. It was extremely thin, more of a pamphlet, really. She hesitated, then flipped it open. At least it was a change from studying.
Elise was the child of a soldier and a weaver, and would therefore have the choice of either career. Her father hoped she’d choose to be a weaver like him, and stay close to home in safety. Her mother had no opinion on that or any other matter, having died in battle when Elise was only four years old.
“At least she got a choice,” Meril muttered sulkily. Inkwarriors always married within their community.
Despite her father’s best efforts, however, Elise had no interest in weaving. Even as a very young child, her only interest was making people laugh. And she was good at it. Her original repertoire was silly jokes that were mainly funny due to her age and the way in which she told them, but as she got older she developed into a true comic.
At this point, her father realised that they had a problem. Somehow Elise was convinced that she was going to be an entertainer. He spent many days and nights trying to convince her that she could be either a weaver or a soldier, but never a performer. Elise refused to budge. She pointed out that she had neither aptitude nor interest in either career, and that she was a talented comedian and it would be a waste of her skills to take up any other calling.
“Besides, it’s a bit late now, isn’t it?” Elise argued. “I’m too old to start learning those skills.”
Her father sighed. “It’s my fault. I should have insisted you choose one or the other years ago, I know, but you were so happy. And you’re all I’ve got since your mother died. I just wanted you to be happy. But now I just want you to live.”
Elise laughed. “Who’ll know?”
“Everyone,” her father said. “Soon you’ll have to register your choice and start working.”
“Why can’t I just register as an entertainer?”
“Because they’ll kill you!” Her father stopped, took a deep breath and tried to speak more calmly. “It’s forbidden.”
“But when they see how good I am,” Elise began.
“Nobody will see how good you are if you’re dead!”
Elise rolled her eyes and laughed. “When was the last time that happened? It’s just a threat they make to keep us in line.”
“It’s not a threat, Elise.”
“Have you ever seen it happen?”
“No, but…”
“Exactly! I’m going to do what I want, and I don’t care if they disapprove.”
“But…”
Elise ran off, confident that her father was being overprotective once again. Her father was equally confident that he was not, but could think of no action he could take. Even if he had known who to bribe, he had no money, and he doubted anyone important could be bribed with the poorly-woven blankets that were his main output. He decided to focus his energy on convincing Elise to change her mind.
He failed.
When the census takers came to the village for the triennial registration, he begged Elise to lie and say she was a weaver. Elise refused, laughing off his protests.
“As if they’ll care,” she said. “They just want something to put on their forms.”
And off she went to the town hall.
Her father followed her, waiting outside the town hall while she registered, for registration was considered a private affair, even though it was a foregone conclusion in virtually all cases. He waited for a long time. All the other young people had gone in, registered and left, but there was no sign of Elise. At last, when night was starting to fall, he gathered his courage and entered the hall.
An official was seated at a table, writing. Servants were tidying the room, and a couple of large men who were clearly bodyguards lurked at the side of the hall.
“I’m looking for my daughter, Elise,” he told the official.
“She’s gone.”
“Gone?”
Meril sighed. “So she’s dead, right?”
“Executed,” the official replied.
“But… But…. Didn’t you let her explain?”
“You know the law. So did she, even if she thought she could flout it. Why waste time with a trial when she’s clearly guilty?”
Elise’s father stared at him.
“Where’s her body?”
The official gestured, and a servant brought a small box over and handed it to Elise’s father.
“What’s this?”
“Your daughter.”
Elise’s father opened the box. It was full of ash.
“Due to the nature of her crime,” the official continued, “she cannot be buried on holy ground.”
“What did you do to her?” Elise’s father screamed.
The bodyguards grabbed him and began to drag him from the room. The official stared coldly at him.
“I merely carried out the sentence prescribed by law. It was your responsibility to teach your daughter the law and ensure she followed it.”
Elise’s father sobbed as he was removed from the hall. He knew the official was right, that he had failed his child, that the true crime was his.
Meril rolled her eyes. “Oh please! What blatant propaganda. Like anyone would be convinced by that.”
She tossed the pamphlet on the desk, and picked up her slate and chalk. Maybe she should at least practice her glyphs.
This is a new poem.
zipped into dresses and strapped into shoes
trapped in frills and girly things
but I’m not a girl! I think
or a boy
but unaware of alternatives (then)
without a word for what I am
it would take years to claim it
to know it
to truly become it
every day a little closer
every breath a little freer
with every heartbeat I metamorphose a little
changing into myself
a truer version
more solid more real
more me
carving my way out from the inside
revelation in skin and bones, hair and muscle
slowly rising into view from the depths of myself
sometimes understated sometimes in your face
but always always me
my clothes do not make me
but sometimes they empower me
and sometimes they confine
because society loves its boxes
the message you read is not the message I send
and you cannot speak the dialect I use
if you cannot understand me that does not make me wrong
just different
just other
just me
What have I read this week? Very little, as it happens.
This is a collection of short stories set in the same world as Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Although it is not essential to have read that book and its sequels to read this, it is definitely helpful for the background. I enjoyed this. It was interesting to discover more about the peculiars.
This is another new poem.
moments of joy even in the dark
or smiling during the pain
a feather’s lighter than a brick
and yet, it balances
a single flash of happiness counters the pain
giving me strength to endure
because
after all
there’s still beauty
there’s still love
there’s more than bone-deep agony
there’s sunshine even in deepest winter
one bright flash of joy
like a half-glimpsed bird’s wing
reminds me there’s more than the insularity of pain
outside of me is the world i’m still a part of
pain steals breath like beauty does
same reaction opposed causes
tangled twisted round each other
so close i can’t separate them
sometimes life rises like a hydra from a lake
sudden and shocking and shattering
piercing the fog of my pain
and sometimes it recedes
obscured by agony
but
nevertheless
still
always
there
What have I read this week?
This is a science fiction novel about a gay man named Nico, who starts the book being sentenced to death for murder. He lives in a theocratic future world where humans are genetically designed and homosexuality is illegal. I liked this one. Nico is an interesting character and I liked his viewpoint. I did find the social commentary a little heavy-handed at times, but I would definitely read other books by this author again.
This is the third book in the Imperials Saga, but the first one I’ve read. It follows three different characters: Tracy, a disgraced starship captain, Mercedes, the heir to the Imperial throne, and her consort Boho. I quite liked this, although I felt that the end of the book seemed a little rushed – a lot of stuff suddenly happens off-screen. However I would probably read more in this series.
Random Ramblings 