Another new poem

This was a difficult one to write, for some reason.

words tumble around me like stones
they shouldn’t hurt but they do
words slice like icy winter winds
and suddenly i’m cold
each time someone calls me the wrong name
calls me sir calls me ma’am
it’s a pinprick to my heart
a tiny wound to my soul
peeling away my sense of self
the rightness of being me
trying to put me back into your box
chipping away at my personhood
grinding me down by degrees
and i have to put myself back together
reattach the fragments
every
single
day
and i am so very tired
weary of fighting my way through the world
struggling to be seen
acknowledged
accepted
fighting to remain myself
trying to become me
a moment a minute a fragment
at a time
life’s harder without a template
it’s not easy being free
but i can’t put the contents back in the original packaging
i just don’t fit any more
i spilled out of the box all over the floor
and there’s no cleaning me up
i am indelible
and i exist
here i am
in front of you
i am here
outside your binaries boundaries and boxes
and i’m not going anywhere

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 14

What have I read this week? Not much.

The Incorruptibles by John Hornor Jacobs

This is a alternate-history fantasy novel about a half-man, half-dvergar (a dwarf equivalent) named Shoestring. Shoe and his partner Fisk are working as scouts for a party of patrician Rumans in the wilderness. I quite enjoyed this and will probably read the other books in the series.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 13

What have I read this week?

The World Beneath (The Mira Brand Adventures Book 1) by Robert J Crane

This is a YA fantasy novel about a girl named Mira Brand. She has a magical talisman that allows her to move between worlds and is seeking hidden treasures. This book was okay. The plot was okay, but I didn’t really like the characters. I won’t make any effort to read more in this series.

Nevernight and Godsgrave by Jay Kristoff

These are the first two books in a series about a girl named Mia Corvere whose father is executed for treason. She vows to get revenge on his killers and joins a secret order of assassins. I preferred the first book to the second, as I found it a more compelling read. However, I enjoyed them both and will undoubtedly read the third.

New Boy by Tracy Chevalier

This is a YA book about an African boy named Osei who goes to an American school where he is the only black kid. It is a retelling of Othello. I didn’t really like it – I found the plot unconvincing, as it didn’t make sense to me that Osei would trust the Iago character who he has only just met.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 12

What have I read this week? Not much, as I’ve been on holiday.

Starborn by Lucy Hounsom

This book is a fantasy novel about a young woman named Kyndra. She is about to undergo her coming of age ceremony but it goes wrong. I enjoyed this book – I liked Kyndra as a character, and I liked the story. It was a fun read. I will probably read more in this series.

© bardofupton 2018

My favourite poems, part 7

This instalment is about Harlem by Langston Hughes (1902-1967). I think I first became aware of Hughes as a child although I’m not sure if I read any of his poetry then.

I came across this poem recently and just really enjoyed it.

What happens to a dream deferred?

I liked the simple repeated question structure of it, and the way that’s undermined at the end.

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

And I like the message that it conveys.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 11

What have I read this week?

The Fifth Knight by E.M. Powell

This is a historical fiction novel about the murder of Thomas Beckett in 1170. It is told from the point of view of the fifth knight who was present at the murder and a young nun. I found it a little tedious in places because I found the nun annoying. The plot was pretty interesting, though.

The Keeper of Lost Things by Ruth Hogan

This novel is about a man who collects lost objects and then passes his collection on to his assistant when he dies with the request for her to try to reunite the objects with their owners. It was readable, but I wasn’t hugely excited by it.

The Sin Eater’s Daughter by Melinda Salisbury

This is a fantasy novel about a young woman named Twylla who is taken from her family to become the embodiment of the daughter of the Gods. I enjoyed this a lot. It was interesting and exciting and I would definitely read other books by this author.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 10

What have I read this week?

The Soldier Son Trilogy by Robin Hobb

The trilogy consists of Shaman’s Crossing, Forest Mage and Renegade’s Magic. These books are about Nevare Burvell, a boy who has been raised to become a soldier, and what happens to him when he encounters the magic of the local conquered tribespeople. I enjoyed this trilogy. It was a good read, even if the main character was annoying occasionally. I’d definitely recommend it, but it does get pretty dark in places.

Pantomime by Laura Lam

This is a YA fantasy novel about a young person who runs away from their wealthy family and joins the circus. I’m not saying any more to avoid spoilers. I really enjoyed it, and I liked the main characters and the world they live in. I intend to read the other books in the series.

© bardofupton 2018

A new poem

I just finished this one.

metoo
and again
and again
so what now?
victim or survivor,
and what’s the difference anyway?

I’m bruised broken battered
but still here
my past always present
trailing behind me
sometimes casting shadows
and sometimes forgettable
but never gone

speaking out is hard
but so is silence
to pretend that nothing happened is impossible
but sometimes necessary
some days I have strength to speak
other days only strength to hold myself (barely) together

am I brave or am I damaged?
or perhaps both, or neither
or something else entirely
it’s the cracks that define me
it’s the broken parts that heal stronger
the path I took was painful
but the destination is worthwhile

everything that happened made me who I am
good bad and indifferent
I never wished for pain
or helplessness
or fearful trembling at night
unwanted gifts from those who should have cared

metoo
and yet
and yet
that does not define me
I am not what was done to me
I am myself
still, and again

a broken cup that still holds water
still capable of joy
damaged not destroyed
I endure
I survive

for so many years
I thought myself weak
but only strength could bring me through
I am here because I am strong enough
brave enough
just enough
to keep myself going

and in the end
I triumph
because after it all
(pain and betrayal and fear
lying there trembling and silenced)
after it all
I am still here
not the same
but still alive

blossoming into my future
climbing away from my past
my roots are in darkness
but I’ve grown away from that
I’ve grown
and I’m still growing
still living loving surviving

so
metoo
yes
but more than that
more than that
I’m more than that
now, and then, and always

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 9

What have I read this week?

The Tawny Man Trilogy by Robin Hobb

The trilogy consists of Fool’s Errand, The Golden Fool and Fool’s Fate. It follows on from The Farseer Trilogy, and continues the adventures of FitzChivalry Farseer. It’s set about 15 years after the events of The Farseer Trilogy. Fitz has changed his name and essentially been in hiding since the end of the previous trilogy. He is not allowed to continue hiding, however. I found these books interesting. I liked finding out more about what had happened to them since the end of The Farseer Trilogy. The books are a little bleak, however.

The Farseer Trilogy by Robin Hobb

The trilogy consists of Assassin’s Apprentice, Royal Assassin and Assassin’s Quest. This trilogy is about FitzChivalry Farseer, the illegitimate son of Chivalry Farseer, the King-in-Waiting of the Six Duchies. I thought I had read the entire trilogy before, but it turns out I had only read the first two books. These books are interesting, and I like the characters, although Fitz can be a little annoying sometimes. Overall I’d recommend it, although, again, they are a little bleak in some ways.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 8

What have I read this week? Not very much.

Time Travelling with a Hamster by Ross Welford

This is a children’s book about a boy who goes time travelling to save his father’s life. It was fairly enjoyable, although I didn’t like it as much as The 1,000-Year-Old Boy.

The Inheritance by Robin Hobb/Megan Lindholm

This is an anthology of short stories. I enjoyed it, although I found the final story a little horrifying.

© bardofupton 2018