Reading project, week 7

What have I read this week?

Empire of Ivory and Victory of Eagles and Tongues of Serpents and Crucible of Gold and Blood of Tyrants and League of Dragons by Naomi Novik

These are books 4 to 9 in the Temeraire series. The series is set during an alternate universe version of the Napoleonic wars. The books follow a British naval officer called William Laurence who accidentally bonds with a dragon (Temeraire) and therefore has to join the Aerial Corps and leave the navy. I have read and enjoyed the previous three books in this series, and I enjoyed these also also. They are quick, fun reads, and I really like the characters, particularly Temeraire and the other dragons.

The Infinite Lives of Maisie Day by Christopher Edge

This is a children’s book about a girl who wakes up on her 10th birthday to discover that there is nothing outside of her house. There’s a lot of physics in this one, which is worked into the story, and overall I really enjoyed it.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 6

What have I read this week?

The King’s Justice (A Stanton and Barling Mystery) by E.M. Powell

This is a historical crime novel set in the 12th century during the reign of Henry II of England. Stanton is a messenger and Barling is a law clerk. They are sent to look into a murder. I enjoyed this book a lot – several times I thought I knew who the murderer was, but I was wrong, so it managed to surprise me. I definitely plan to read other books by this author.

The 1,000-Year-Old Boy by Ross Welford

This is a children’s book aimed at readers 10 and up about a boy who gains eternal life at the age of 11. It’s told partly from his point of view and partly from that of another boy that he meets. I enjoyed this book – it was a fun read and I thought the idea was well-executed. I’d definitely read other books by this author.

The Idiot Brain: A Neuroscientist Explains What Your Head Is Really Up To by Dean Burnett

This is a nonfiction book about the brain. I was pretty sure I’d enjoy this book after I read the opening sentence of the introduction:

This book begins the same way as nearly all my social interactions; with a series of detailed and thorough apologies.

Things I have learned:

  • the olfactory nerves are one of the few nerves in the human body that can regenerate

My favourite quote?

Overall, personality tests would be more useful if our personalities didn’t get in the way.

This book is both amusing and educational; I would definitely recommend it. I’ve never laughed this much reading a book on neuroscience.

© bardofupton 2018

My favourite poems, part 6

This installment is about Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath (1932-1963).

My introduction to Plath, like so many other people, was The Bell Jar, which I read in (I think) my late teens. I studied some of her poems at university, including this one, but I think I might have read them before that.

This again is a poem that just spoke to me.

I have done it again
One year in every ten
I manage it

I love the way she uses language:

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

I love the attitude she portrays:

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I’ve a call.

And I love the ending:

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

It’s just a poem that appealed to me instantly, and still does.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 5

What have I read this week?

With Silent Screams (The Hellequin Chronicles Book 3) by Steve McHugh

This is a contemporary fantasy novel about a sorcerer called Nate Garrett, also known as Hellequin. I realised partway through that I’d read this one before, but I finished it anyway. It was quite enjoyable, fairly fast-paced; however there was an undertone of (mild but irritating) homophobia and misogyny that I’d overlooked previously, so I probably won’t read any more.

Sister Sable (The Mad Queen, Book 1) by T Mountebank

This is a fantasy novel, set in a world with similar technology to our own but also containing people with psychic powers. I didn’t manage to get far with this one; it was written in too obscure a style, and it didn’t interest me enough to persevere.

Daughter of Eden by Chris Beckett

This is a science fiction book about a colony of humans who are on a planet called Eden. They are all descended from a man and woman who crashed there many generations ago. This is the third book in the series. It’s an easy read, and I found the story interesting, especially seeing how things developed from the first book. (I thought I’d read the second one, but it turns out I haven’t.) I would recommend it, but definitely read the other two first.

© bardofupton 2018

Not courage, but survival

When I told my therapist I was non-binary, she called me brave. I told her it wasn’t courage, it was survival. I don’t think she really got what I meant, and I don’t think I was quite able to fully articulate it at the time. So I’m going to work through it here. I did mention it briefly in a previous post, but I want to unpack it a bit more.

When you have a minority identity, especially around gender or sexuality, you’re often accused of “shoving it in people’s faces” – that is, being queer/trans/non-binary/black/etc in public. Any attempt to say “hey, I live here too and I also have needs, wants and preferences” can be met with hostility or even violence. So why do we persist in expressing our identities when it might seem easier and safer not to?

I can’t answer for anyone else, but for me, there came a point where I was doing more violence to myself (by remaining closeted) than I was avoiding. I simply could not pretend any longer. The fear of losing friends or family, of violence or harassment from others – that was outweighed by the damage I was doing to myself. I had tried pretending to be like everyone else, and it had just made me miserable. So, I simply stopped.

And the relief of it! To be able to say “this is me” and for it to be 100% true, to be able to go outside feeling as though I was showing my true self to the world for possibly the first time, that may have been the most free I have ever felt.

Of course, this makes it sound simple. It wasn’t quite as easy as that, but the core realisation was that trying to be something I’m not not only wouldn’t work but was actually hurting me. It might be more comfortable for other people for me to pretend I was like them, but I’m not. And pretending is exhausting. So much energy spent on trying not to mention certain things to certain people, trying to remember who knows what about you, trying to decide if certain topics give too much away about you, trying to act in the ways I thought I was supposed to.

I don’t think I’m brave; in some ways I am quite lucky. Nobody I’ve told has reacted badly. But I always think of courage as being a positive decision, and this was not that. This was more like despair, more of a desperate last-ditch attempt, fuelled partly by my cancer diagnosis and treatment. This was giving up and letting go of the cliff edge, and then realising that you were only a few inches above the ground. And I am fully aware that it is not that easy for many of us.

I’m not offering advice, just a perspective. For me, it was better to come out; for someone else, the calculation might be different. But remaining closeted isn’t an easy choice either.

© bardofupton 2018

My favourite poems, part 5

This installment features Dirge Without Music by Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950). This is another poem that just spoke to me. Once again, I don’t remember when or how I first came across it.

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:

The final section pretty much encapsulates my feelings about losing loved ones.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Essentially, this is one of those poems that captures exactly how I feel.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 4

What have I read this week?

Sleeping Giants by Sylvain Neuvel

This is a science-fiction novel set in the near future. It is written as a series of interviews, reports and diary entries with various characters, including scientists, military pilots and politicians. The interviews are conducted by a shadowy unnamed figure who wields a great deal of power and influence but doesn’t seem to be associated with any government agency. The basic premise is that a giant robot hand has been found buried on earth. The lead scientist believes that it’s part of an entire robot and the US government begins searching for the rest of it.

I enjoyed this. It was a quick read, exciting and interesting. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who likes this type of book.

Waking Gods by Sylvain Neuvel

This is the sequel to Sleeping Giants, set 10 years later. It’s written in a similar way, but with fewer interviews and more transcripts of conversations. In this one, another giant robot appears on earth and the characters have to deal with that and also the aftermath of events that occurred in the first book.

I found this one slower going initially than Sleeping Giants, but it did eventually click for me and I would say that I enjoyed it overall. If there’s a third, I will probably read it.

A Glimmer of Hope (The Avalon Chronicles Book 1) by Steve McHugh

This is a contemporary fantasy novel set mainly in the UK. It’s about a young woman who is being sought by supernatural forces because her father has special abilities and they want to use her for leverage on him. It was okay, not great, and I probably won’t read any more in the series.

© bardofupton 2018

My favourite poems, part 4

This installment is about This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin (1922-1985).

I don’t remember when I came across this, possibly while I was at school. I do remember it being the first poem I’d come across with swearing in it!

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do. 

It definitely appealed to the cynical part of me.

Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

At the time, it seemed to perfectly express something I was feeling, which I suppose is one reason that art, of any kind, speaks to you.

© bardofupton 2018

Reading project, week 3

What have I read this week?

The Uncanny Express by Kara LaReau

This is a fiction book aimed at children, and illustrated by Jen Hill. It’s part of a series called The Unintentional Adventures of the Bland Sisters. This particular book is a parody of or homage to Murder on the Orient Express. It’s pretty short, quite fun, and a quick read.

I did find it (presumably) unintentionally horrifying, though, because the premise is that the sisters are living alone at home because their parents went on an errand and never returned (although they do write to them). They survive by getting paid to darn other people’s socks. I guess you’re not meant to dwell on that part…

Edward Gorey

I reread a few books by Edward Gorey: The Gashlycrumb Tinies, The Doubtful Guest, The Object Lesson, and The Curious Sofa (written under his pseudonym of Ogdred Weary). These are all illustrated books, with a macabre sense of humour. I remember liking them all initially, but now I only really like The Gashlycrumb Tinies and The Doubtful Guest.

Ariel by Sylvia Plath

This is a book of poetry.

Themes:

Love; death; illness.

Favourite lines:

People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them.
(Sheep in Fog)

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
(Lady Lazarus)

I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.
(Elm)

Obscene bikinis hide in the dunes
(Berck-Plage)

For a minute the sky pours into the hole like plasma.
There is no hope, it is given up.
(Berck-Plage)

I do not stir.
The frost makes a flower,
The dew makes a star,
The dead bell,
The dead bell.

Somebody’s done for.
(Death & Co.)

The moon, too, abases her subjects,
But in the daytime she is ridiculous.
Your dissatisfactions, on the other hand,
Arrive through the mailslot with loving regularity,
White and blank, expansive as carbon monoxide.
(The Rival)

The beads of hot metal fly, and I, love, I

Am a pure acetylene
Virgin
Attended by roses,

By kisses, by cherubim,
By whatever these pink things mean.
(Fever 103°)

Favourite poems:

The Couriers; The Applicant; Lady Lazarus; Tulips; The Rival; Daddy.

Overall I love this book. I like the imagery, the way she structures her poems, and the sheer intensity of feeling that shines through.

© bardofupton 2018