I’m not entirely happy with this one, but I think it mostly conveys what I want to say:

fractured light
splintered diamond
light begets light
as pain begets pain
stabbing striking stinging
burning
flaring up and through
stealing breath
pulling me into my centre
where only agony exists
where time stretches
elongating my torment into subjective aeons
trapping me within myself

alone with pain is never alone
it accompanies me, inside but apart
the unwelcome guest, the unwanted gift you cannot refuse
it sits behind every breath, colours every thought
tempers every impulse with the fear
the fear of worsening of injury of damaging the parts that currently work
the fear of change, because stasis is safe
because if you can find the perfect position (you can’t)
then nothing will hurt (it will, it will, it always does)

pain makes me a coward
desperate to make it stop
willing to give up and give in
willing to shrink my self, my life
but
i cannot live so small (not for long)

there is more than pain
life is not just the indrawn breath but also the exhale

grit my teeth and keep walking
let the hope of painlessness recede
it’s not for me, not anymore
that road is for others
i walk on glass where they stroll on grass
but
nonetheless
i still walk
i still walk
i
still
walk

© bardofupton 2018

Written about a week ago:

laughing
in the rain
water trickling down my skin
soaking my clothes
drenched in seconds

and I laugh
clothes sticking to my skin
spinning slowly
in the rain

alive
and happy

EDIT: I just realised I posted this twice. Sorry. I guess that’s what happens when I post things on my phone rather than using my computer.

© bardofupton 2018

I just finished this one:

laughing
in the rain
water trickling down my skin
soaking my clothes
drenched in seconds

and I laugh
clothes sticking to my skin
spinning slowly
in the rain

alive
and happy

© bardofupton 2018

I’m not entirely sure what inspired this one:

words drop from your lips
like stones
like blows
and I flinch
words drip from your lips
like poison
like acid
wearing me away
words slide from your lips
like knives
like a scalpel
slicing me apart
words fall from your lips
like wind
like water
sliding off me
words spill from your lips
and I walk away

© bardofupton 2018

Another new poem:

every grief is the first grief
dredged up from the depths where I buried it

every grief is a reminder
of what’s lost, what’s gone
of gaps and tender places in the mind

every grief is an obstacle course
of everyday objects that now mean more
by meaning “less”
by recollections of the departed
meaning infused so personally that it confuses others
– why should a frog make me cry? –
a glimpse, a sound, a memory
bringing loss in their wake
not just this loss, but every loss
stacked one upon another in a skyscraper of sorrow

because every grief is the first grief
every grief is the only grief
every grief breaks me a little more
because I never remember sadness
every time is the first, but worse
and every time it’s harder to overcome
harder to get back

every grief is the first grief
and it doesn’t get better with experience
I have never levelled up
I have never learnt how to cope
how to push it down and move on
only how to run and hide
hoping time will blunt the edges of pain
before it drowns me

every grief is the first grief

© bardofupton 2018

Inspired by the heatwave:

heat
dripping from my skin
sliding down my neck
smothering me
in a cocoon of hot dampness
rendering me exhausted
unable to think
of anything else
skin sticks to skin
slick with sweat
mute with misery
waiting
for rain

© bardofupton 2018

I wrote this one a couple of months ago:

Looking back at the darkness I used to contain
and realising that somehow I walked into the light
without knowing
somehow I overcame without knowing I was fighting
I swam to shore but didn’t know I’d been drowning
coming alive moment by moment
so slowly I couldn’t tell
the slope so gradual I thought everything level
the dawn so imperceptible I didn’t know it was day
and now I am light as air
floating like a feather on the breeze
flying towards the sun
and yet
underneath
the fear of falling back down
down into darkness

© bardofupton 2018

Another brand new poem:

i tumble, bruised, to the ground
my limbs betraying me
a moment of inattention
a moment of weakness
something twists, that should remain straight
and i fall
kind/strange hands lift me up
and i limp onwards
the big clock strikes, late, late, behind me
and i limp on
battered
to my destination

© bardofupton 2018